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Voyager vs. the Borg

One day ******* was walking through the halls of Voyager and then Kim called her on her communicator and said "Captain *******, a Borg Cube has appeared outside!" So then ******* hurried to the bridge and there was a Borg Cube on the view screen!!!!!!
Then the Borg hailed her and said "We are the Borg, we will assimilate you."
But then ******* said "Yeah right. Mr. Tuvok, reconfigure the hypermelacortz wave disperser to create a krypton synthesizing causational loop!"
Tuvok did and then ******* beamed onboard the Borg Cube with the bomb and dropped it off and beamed off just before the Borg Cube blew up. Then the Voyager continued on and ******* went to the holodeck.
The End.

Comments

  • SanfamSanfam I like clocks.
    ...Or so you thought!

    The episode is actually concluded with a moment of simultaneous triumph and tragedy as we discover that Seven of Nine managed to get Harry Kim preggorz and mortally wounded. Will their wacky cyborg love child survive? Voyager warps off at ludicrous speed.

    To Be Continued...
  • One day Paris and Kim were in the halodeck pretending to be Klingon warriors, but then Kahless walked up to them and said "I'm not letting you Terrans leave the halodeck!" Then he shot the controls of the halodeck and trapped them inside where they were forced to escape and fight Klingon warriors!
    A while later ******* noticed that they hadn't gotten out so then she said "Mr. Tuvok, where are Paris and Kim?"
    Then Tuvok said "Captain, I believe that they are still in the halodeck... Captain, I cannot contact them, they could be trapped within."
    Meanwhile, Paris and Kim were hiding in a cave and Kim said "We have to get out of here, I can't let my baby come to harm!"
    Then Paris said "How could you be pregnant? That doesn't make any sense."
    Then Kim said "Remember last month when that alien parasite snuck onto the ship and crawled down my throat while I was asleep and grew inside me and then the doctor had to get it out and then I screamed while they got it out? Well, it created a uterus inside of me and Seven of Nine got me pregnant with her nanomachines."
    Just then the halodeck world disappeared and ******* walked in, and Paris said "Captain! How did you save us?"
    Then ******* said "I had Tuvok inverse the emission of chronotons from the transporter buffers to emit a wave pulse dampening field. Good to have you two back."
    And the Voyager continued on its quest back home.
  • BigglesBiggles <font color=#AAFFAA>The Man Without a Face</font>
    The halodeck? Is that where everyone goes to pretend they're angels?
  • Days later, because it was an alien baby, it was time for Kim's baby to be born. The writers, however, didn't think that this birth would be complicated enough, so Seven of Nine proposed to Kim and he accepted. They both decided they wanted to be married as the baby was being born.

    They were having this conversation on the bridge while they were both on duty. They were about to ask to be excused for the birth/marriage when a Borg Pyramid attacked. ******* ordered an interferometric pulse to be fired from the main deflector to destroy the Pyramid. But Kim couldn't do it, because he wasn't at his station because he was halfway to the Captain to ask her if he and Seven could be excused. The Borg used this delay to fire its Deus Ex Machina gun at the deflector, destroying it and effectively ending any chance of Voyager firing any interferometric pulses or plot holes.

    "I thought Deus Ex Machina guns were banned by the Ronald D. Moore accords!" ******* snarled as she picked herself up off the deck. Seven of Nine said, "Kim I'm very disappointed in you for allowing the Borg to destroy our only hope of defense. Since I do not tolerate failure or inefficiency the marriage is off. By the way, you're worthless." ******* said "I agree Kim, you're relieved of duty. Go straight to your quarters. Don't even stop at sickbay to give birth to your child." Kim sadly left the bridge. While the turbolift doors were closing he made a comment about slitting his wrists but nobody cared.

    Voyager fired its phasers and torpedoes at the Borg Pyramid. When they had used up all of their phasers and all of their torpedoes, ******* gave the desperate order to fire all of Voyagers shuttles at the Borg pyramid. Once all forty-seven shuttles had been expended, the Borg Pyramid was still at 74% shields. Voyager's own shields had dropped to 4.7%.

    Just then ******* spotted the Delta Flyer delta flying toward the Pyramid. "Who launched the Delta Flyer at the Pyramid? I ordered all the shuttles to be fired, but I didn't mean the Delta Flyer! This crew is supposed to be skilled enough to compensate for the inarticulate orders the writers put in my mouth, dammit!" she shouted. Seven's heart caught in the throat. "It hasn't been fired at the Borg Pyramid it's being piloted by...........................................................................................[SIZE="7"].[/SIZE]Kim!"

    ******* ordered Tuvok to hail Kim, which he did stoically, because he's a Vulcan. Kim came onscreen and said "Captain the only way to destroy the Pyramid is to turn its Deus Ex Machina gun back in on itself. I know this is a one-way mission, and I'm prepared to do it." Before ******* could yell at him or tell him he wasn't worthless (which she was going to do was left intentionally ambiguous), he doubled over and started convulsing.

    "Ma'am, sensors detect he's going into labor." said Kim's red-shirt replacement. Kim's console then exploded, killing the red-shirt. All of the cast members with contracts snickered. Kes did too, even though she'd been written out of the show.

    ******* then ordered that The Doctor transport over to help with the birth. Seven of Nine professed her rekindled love for Kim and asked if she could join them and have The Doctor marry them. ******* granted their request, and The Doctor and Seven beamed over to the Delta Flyer, since The Doctor didn't have his TARDIS because he was only a hologram and not really The Doctor.

    Onboard the Delta Flyer, The Doctor was trying desperately to perform the marriage ceremony and birth the child at the same time. Things were further complicated when Kim insisted that they use the Delta Flyer's main deflector to generate a reversed-polarity ionic wave pulse through subspace to induce the Deus Ex Machina gun to destory the Pyramid. But too late! Before Seven could make it to the console, the Deus Ex Machina gun fired agian, this time crippling the Delta Flyer's main deflector. "Now we're truly helpless!" said Seven, and she started crying even though she was a Borg.

    "Fire magnets at it!" Kim cried in exasperation. Seven stopped crying long enough to do this. As soon as the magnets hit the Deus Ex Machina gun, it overloaded and generated a plot hole, which sucked in the Pyramid and then imploded in upon itself.

    All three turned their attention back to the birth/marriage. The Doctor just finished the marriage part of the procedure, with Kim saying "I do!" just as Kim's chest was rent in two.

    Seven screamed, but The Doctor said "Don't worry we'll fix it with the transporter."

    Suddenly, out of Kim's chest climbed..........................................................................................................[SIZE="7"].[/SIZE]Admiral Helena Cain!
  • SanfamSanfam I like clocks.
    The birth of a full-grown Michael Caine is certainly an experience no one could ever be fully prepared for. The now-tired Ensign Kim tried to regain his composure as he stared down on his beautiful seventy-four year old child, but the shock overwhelmed him. Protected only by the Deus Ex Machina incarnate known as the Delta Flyer, his chances of making it back home in one piece grew increasingly slim as this episode's conclusion approached. What was he to do? Fully aware that the survival of his newborn oscar winner was crucial to the critical advancement of the Star Trek franchise, he gave it his all to regain his composure.

    "I am Harry Kim, father of Michael Caine Kim-Nine," he yelled. "I will never let you down, my son. The future will be yours--"

    Suddenly, his attempt at a monologue was harshly interrupted by a violent explosion. His status as a near-recurring character of oft perilous nature has once again resulted in him falling victim to the most unnecessary tool of the lazy writer's mind: The end-of-cliffhanger twist! He ran to the sensors MFD and tried to identify the source, only to see a previously unknown borg craft, the decagon, hot on his tail. Where it came from was of no concern. His inability to escape it was more troubling.

    Harry, in a moment of revelation, switched on the comm unit and tried to radio Voyager.
    "Harry, what the hell is going on?! Get your pregnant ass back on my ship this instant," ******* emphatically screamed. "Do you know what you've gotten yourself into?"
    "I know. I've always known. But Captain...I have a plan. It's my son. I don't understand why, but he is the key to taking down the borg. He has been gifted with the natural talent for giving speeches, monologues, and bringing out strong emotion in all of those around him. Michael Caine Kim-Nine is our one chance to destroy the borg once and for all."
    Seven perked up, a bit confused. "Erm, Kim-Nine? You do realize the marriage was cancelled, correct?"
    "Not in my mind it wasn't! Oh Seven, my dearest wife..."
    Displeased with the rapid loss of topic, ******* interrupted the duo. "Harry Kim, the Delta Flyer is our last shuttle. Making any more would take hours, and we can't can't afford to wait. I will demote you straight to the bottom of the food chain if you don't obey this order!"
    "Captain, I am an Ensign and I always will be. You don't control me! You're not my mother!"
    "Captain," said Paris with a chuckle, "I think someone needs the waaaambulance." The bridge staff clearly enjoyed the sentiment.
    Silence. But at the last second before the commercial break, Harry spoke up. "That's it. I'm going in!" He shut off the comms. "Computer, ramming speed! Lets see if we can puncture that hull."

    *Dramatic Chord*

    To Be Continued...
  • Kim smashed through the hull of the Borg Decagon, breaking the windshield, but that was ok because there was no vacuum because of the super Borg shielding which closed up after his ship. Kim grabbed a Phaser and told Seven, the doctor, and Michael Caine to stay inside while he explored the Borg ship. But first he took some wires and tubes from the inside of the Delta Flyer and put them on himself to trick the Borg into thinking he was a Borg since they're stupid now. Kim walked through the Decagon saying "We are Borg. We will assimilate" and the Borg that saw him thought "He has stuff all over him, and he says he's a Borg, so he must be a Borg!" and didn't try to stop him.
    After a while, he found the generator of the ship and was just about to come up with an amazing plan to blow up the Decagon with enough time to escape when he saw someone come out from behind the generator and look right at him........ A BORG QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Seven and Michael Caine (now portrayed by Tim Curry, because he was the only one not contractually obligated to the series willing to take part in this awful script) had meanwhile repaired the windshield of the Delta Flyer and were delta flying in a pattern around the Decagon. Since all Starfleet vessels are equipped unfeasibly accurate sensors, Seven knew the moment the Borg Queen came into contact with Harry. Seven's heart again did an about face in accordance with the whim of the writers, and she began manipulating the controls of the Delta Flyer, crying "We need to get him out of there!"

    The change in casting had left Michael Caine rather apathetic. "I share your feelings, but I just don't see how we can help him." Caine deadpanned. He yawned loudly, and continued unenthusiastically: "You must be strong. That's what Harry would want. He would want to know that you - and I - were safe."

    Seven was unimpressed with Caine's remarks, and frantically worked the controls. The inertial dampers gave out just enough to give the impression of extreme speed as Seven hurled the Delta Flyer at the Decagon. Caine was suddenly animated by terror "What the hell are you doing? This isn't in the script!"

    The Decagon loomed in the Delta Flyer's windshield, growing larger and larger, until suddenly it seemed to turn sideways, and the Delta Flyer flew past! Seven, confused but not to be bested lightly, brought the Delta Flyer hard about and charged the Decagon again. It similarly seemed to turn sideways and disappear at the last moment, and the Delta Flyer sped past.

    Seven brought the ship to a full stop, and examined the sensors. Caine was frustrated by Seven's confusion. "What the hell did you expect, you dumb blonde? You were trying to ram a Decagon - a [b][i]two dimensional[/b][/i] figure! Good luck with that, genius!"

    Seven looked at Caine in horror, as though suddenly seeing him for the first time. "Seven to Voyager!" No answer. "Seven to Voyager, respond please!" Still nothing. "Voyager, the Delta Flyer has become trapped in what appears to be a massive plot hole. If you manage to receive this message, stay clear! Do not attempt rescue!"

    Meanwhile, aboard the Decagon, the Borg Queen was interrogating Harry Kim. "Why are you here?"

    "I needed some snacks."

    The Queen pressed a button on the table to which Harry was strapped, and he writhed in pain. "Why are you here?"

    "To stop you from destroying Voyager!" Again she triggered the table. "I'm telling you the truth! Voyager barely survived the attack by your pyramid!"

    The Queen walked away for a moment, as though thinking, then turned to face Kim. "You want to know what I think? I think the three-dimensional Starfleet is planning to invade my two-dimensional realm. We've made short work of all of the two-dimensional characters here - Wesley Crusher, Neelix, the entire cast of Enterprise. I think the Federation has decided that it could expand into two-dimensional space with little resistance. I invite them to try! I invite your ******* to try! Then we shall see who is truly more fully-developed!"

    Meanwhile, Voyager received part of the Delta Flyer's transmission: "---trapped----attempt---rescue---"

    "You heard her! Helm, take us within transporter range of the Flyer!" ******* barked.

    "Captain, I'm detecting a warp core breach in progress on the Delta Flyer! Sensors also detect that Kim is onboard the Borg Decagon being interrogated by the Borg Queen!" Paris cried.

    "That's odd, I always had the impression the Delta Flyer was pretty much indestructible. I guess Harry did something incompetent. Tuvok, beam everyone off the Delta Flyer."

    "And Ensign Kim?"

    "Oh yeah, him. Yeah, beam him off too."

    Seven of Nine, Michael Caine, and Harry materialized on the bridge. ******* began shouting at Kim, demanding to know why the Delta Flyer was destroyed.

    "Sir, it's not his fault!" Seven said. "Voyager has just entered a massive plot hole! The Delta Flyer is often portrayed as indestructible, but in here that has no meaning, and it succumbed to its obvious design flaws."

    "Doesn't anyone care about me? I'm still two-dimensional!" Kim whined.

    "Doesn't seem like that much of a change from the usual," Paris replied.

    "Well that's just really freaking brilliant. Now we're all trapped in a plot hole, and none of this is in the script, so who knows what could happen next? Invincible homicidal redshirts? Realistic depiction of reseources? We're all screwed!"

    Everyone's attention became focused on Michael Caine. "That...wasn't very Michael Caine-like," ******* said.

    Seven whipped out her tricorder. "No, it wasn't...Captain, it appears that Caine is the focal point for the plot hole!"

    "Well that should have been obvious, what from the way he started life as an insane Female admiral, started the next episode as a ridiculously articulate old man, and later transformed into a tired, fat, annoying old man pretending to be a ridiculously articulate old man." Kim said indignantly.

    "Shut up, Ensign Kim." All eyes in the room looked at Tuvok in shock for his outburst. "Plot hole," he simply said. Everyone seemed satisfied by this answer.

    Seven further examined her readings. "Captain, I believe if we destroy the plot hole's focal point, we may be able to free ourselves."

    Everyone in the room pulled phasers on Caine. The man was quaking with fear. "Look, I was only doing this because Rick Berman promised me ten bucks and a place to stay for the night. This really isn't necessary..."

    "All hands, fire." Caine disappeared in a brilliant flash of light and a searing scream upon *******'s order.

    Suddenly the deck pitched upward, throwing everyone to the ground. "Captain! The plot hole is expanding at an exponential rate! I'm detecting dozens of sub-regions beginning to form - the soap opera, the romantic comedy, the situational comedy...the entire creative spectrum is beginning to manifest itself inside the plot hole!"

    ******* momentarily ignored the fact that Kim had returned to his station. "Options?" she snapped.

    "It's as though our universe is turning inside out. If we wait this out, there's a good chance we could end up right where we started, with everything back to normal. Or..."

    ******* turned to face him. "Or what?"

    "Or we could generate a dynamic warp shell around the ship. It would effectively carry us through the plot hole and to...somewhere else."

    "Will it be closer to home?"

    "Probably, as most of the other genres I'm detecting are entirely Earth-based."

    "Do it."

    Suddenly the deck began to shake. A giant head coalesced in front of the viewscreen, animated by rage. "NO MY CHILDREN! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE ME! I DEMAND THAT YOU ALLOW ME TO PUSH THE ALL-POWERFUL RESET BUTTON!" cried the image of Rick Berman.

    ******* turned to Tuvok. "I don't care how you do it. Use the main deflector, or something, just get that [i]thing[/i] off my bridge!"

    Voyager's main deflector lit up with the best special effect ever, and Berman's head exploded.

    "The warp shell has formed! We're going in!" Kim cried.

    Hours later, everyone woke up on the floor of the bridge.

    "Report!" ******* barked groggily.

    "I- I can't tell, sir!" Kim replied with rising fear. "Sensors are reduced to almost a tenth of their normal functionality. Other key systems are also off-line...Captain, we have no transporters, replicators, shields, or warp drive!"

    ******* turned to face the sea of stars on her viewscreen. "Where the hell are we?" she asked the emptiness.

    [CENTER]TO BE CONTINUED

    EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
    J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI
    RONALD D. MOORE[/CENTER]
  • YEAH MAN VOYAGER IS ON SPIKE!!!! I'm watching it right now! "Friendship One" if you guys have memorised all the episodes. IT'S SO COOL!!!!
  • OK, at first I thought they were going to use time travel to fix the planet, but of course! Seven's nanoprobes combined with photon torpedoes and a good sprinkling of Treknobabble and there you go!
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