In this day and age, marriage plays various levels of importance to all different kinds of people. Some still stick with the classic image of it being sacred, others will never get married again (usually the divorced fraction of the eligible candidates) and others still, do not care for marriage at all, either way. It is hard to play your own stance towards either crowd. In a way, I suppose my own relationship towards tradition may work for or against me in my quest to find the ideal mate. So while it is not really sacred to me, it is an important step as it is laden with consequences and responsibilities. In essence it is just a contract involving mutual trust and a promise of commitment. Any way you put it, it will probably reduce the chances of meeting someone if you did not provide the correct answer in your profile. :D
At this time I am just checking the waters and not really expecting much. Once I live in my new home I will change strategies and deploy the troops into the minefield of (failed) relationships. :D
I tried several approaches and humor works well on TV and sitcoms, but in my experience, women have little to no sense of humor when relationships are at stake. There are exceptions, but the odds of meeting someone like that are astronomical as far as I can tell. I am going to stick with the serious approach and see where it takes me. :)
ShadowDancerWhen I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie."London, UK
I purposefully don't think at all about marriage, as I feel that if I do it'll colour my perceptions and expectations of any relationship. That said, marriage is not something I'm overly concerned about, altho one of the best reasons beyond the romantic for marriage these days is the tax breaks :p
Tax breaks do not factor at all into my quest for a meaningful relationship. If it is sex that you are after, there are a lot of cheaper ways to get some than marriage. ;)
I have everything I could ever want and I'm not rich. I try to live richly, there is a difference. And yet, there is no meaning to life if you do not share your happiness with someone you deeply care for. At least that's how I look at it and that's why I am on this "holy" quest. And no, I'm not looking for a frakking cup. :)
ShadowDancerWhen I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie."London, UK
To be honest, I'm far too independent for a casual relationship let alone a serious one. I miss having someone to talk to about stuff, but thats it really
I can see how a relationship will reduce one's independence but then everything in life has a price. I never feel alone, or lonely for that matter, but I have seen and felt what it means to care very much for someone and I liked it and I want more of it. It didn't work out, but that is not going to stop me from trying again and again until it does.
Freedom is a bit like the night sky, it's there, it's awesome to behold and to enjoy, but you can't really hold it in your arms or huddle up against it to keep you warm and it won't be there for you when you are going through a rough spot. As long as things are going well, we think we don't need to drag anybody with us to live. But we don't know ahead of time what is going to happen to us, so it is probably a good strategy in the long run to have a backup plan. I've played the lone wolf or rebel game long enough and now, for me at least, it's time to grow up and move on. It's a personal matter and everyone needs to decide that for himself when that moment comes, if it ever comes.
Maturity is a funny thing, it doesn't occur on oneself everywhere simultaneously. :D
Biggles<font color=#AAFFAA>The Man Without a Face</font>
[QUOTE=Stingray;193295]that's why I am on this "holy" quest. And no, I'm not looking for a frakking cup. :)[/QUOTE]
Then perhaps I can interest you in this chest? It has carrying handles!
I've met enough people who found their special someone through various methods that I don't think any single absolute advice is true. I've met people who found someone online, at a bar, when they wernt looking, from a childhood friend, a one night stand, their coworker, their boss, etc.
Or just club them and drag them back to your cave.
[QUOTE=croxis;193315]I've met enough people who found their special someone through various methods that I don't think any single absolute advice is true.[/QUOTE]
I suppose that's true, on certain aspects you need to keep prejudice out of the equation... well, except when they are from Russia or Africa. :D
[QUOTE=Biggles;193344]No cups, but it does have a pair of shiny, gold angels on top. It's a real killer at parties![/QUOTE]
I think Harrison Ford has that chest sitting somewhere in his home office.
Been trying the online dating stuff myself for a year or so. Not easy to get in touch with women, they get a lot of messages..Been dating some and for the last 2 months or so been having an OK time with a girl I met online.
The way I understand it, women will get in touch with you if they are interested. It's up to the guys to fashion their profiles and ads in a serious and factual manner to get their attention. At least that's how it worked for me. Summer is a slow time of the year so there isn't much going on but I am still confident things will evolve in a promising way. Once they give you their phone number you are at least on first base and I don't even get baseball. :)
I found this article which I thought was quite interesting if somewhat superficial and most certainly simplified. We all know that the female mind is anything but simple. ;)
[QUOTE][B]What women look for in a relationship[/B]
We all look for different things, but there are some universal truths in womankind’s grand hunt for the perfect relationship. These are they.
[B]A connection[/B]
A man can tick all the boxes in the world, but in so many cases if the woman feels no chemistry, it’s a no-go. Some might dispute the wisdom of writing a guy off on the basis of no instant connection, but right or wrong, the absence or presence of instant chemistry is a deal breaker for many women. But what exactly is chemistry and why is it so powerful? Anthropologist David Givens says “chemistry is basically when the pleasure centres of the brain are engaged. The pleasure you get from chocolate, a martini or a rollercoaster is basically the same.” He goes on “While chemistry isn’t everything, many of courtship's most powerful signals are unheard, untouched, and unseen. Operating chiefly through unconscious channels, these invisible aromas, tastes, steroids, sterols, and hormones strongly shape our feelings about each other.”
[B]Predictability[/B]
Women are often instantly drawn to impulsiveness and unpredictableness in a man but long-term, a relationship without routine won’t cut the mustard. As dull as it sounds, women need to know where they’re at with a guy if the relationship’s to last – plans and routines contribute to a feeling of security and help judge the longevity of a relationship. Match.com’s relationships expert Kate Taylor says “for all our impulsive mood-swings and frivolity, women are the routine-cravers in a relationship. Continuation, stability and duration are what women long for.”
[B]A man who can provide[/B]
Evolutionarily speaking, women are the child-rearers and men bring home the bacon, so to speak. And while a lot has changed in the last 200,000 years, studies show that many women still look for a man who can provide for the family. In his study at the University of Wales, Dr Michael Dunn found that women will rate a man more highly if pictured sitting at the wheel of a £70,000 silver Bentley Continental compared to the same man pictured in a battered Ford Fiesta. His findings led him to conclude that "females focus on questions of wealth and status because if the male possesses those, that male would be in a better condition to rear healthy offspring."
[B]Experience[/B]
While the cougar phenomenon may be taking women of a certain age by storm, the rest of us want a man who has lived a little, knows his own mind and has a certain commanding air that conveys wisdom and experience. Basically, we want an older man. Why? Because so many of the pettier problems in relationships boil down to immaturity – whether it’s the guy feeling uncomfortable hanging out with your friends or his infuriating ability to make decisions about things or take control of a situation. Women love a guy who’s been there and done that and doesn’t get phased easily by new challenges. Plus, an older man can be downright sexy. Need we mention a certain Mr Clooney.
[B]Commitment[/B]
Yes, it’s the word that terrifies half the population the world over, but there is no getting away from the fact that women seeking a long term relationship will be looking for signs of commitment (or lack of) from day one. How can a woman tell if a man is committed? Unfortunately it’s not as simple as him being decent/nice/reliable. Some of the most seemingly solid relationships ultimately fall apart when the guy simply can’t commit to buying a house together/getting married/talking about kids. The key is looking for early-warning signs – how have his previous relationships panned out? Does he stick to plans? Can he talk about anything more than a couple of days ahead? These are all likely clues to how he is likely to react to longer term plans.
Anyway, I'm currently dating someone and I'm thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. We met online and several times offline and we communicate every day. I am still uncertain whether this is going somewhere but there is hoping. This is probably this uncertainty and insecurity that I dislike about this dating thing, but I guess it comes with the territory. :)
I hope me letting her steer our relationship is not interpreted as me being without imagination or initiative. Since I don't know what I don't know, I may just have to ask at some point. :D
[QUOTE=Mundane;193378]Been trying the online dating stuff myself for a year or so. Not easy to get in touch with women, they get a lot of messages..Been dating some and for the last 2 months or so been having an OK time with a girl I met online.[/QUOTE]
So how is it going with your relationship (if I may ask)? I suppose you know what I'm talking about when I say I feel uncertain.
ShadowDancerWhen I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie."London, UK
My problems definitely boil down to the chemistry and commitment factors then! I vary rarely meet anyone I have chemistry with (and they're usually married anyway, which is a no no for me!), and I definitely have commitment issues!
I don't know you good enough SD to have an opinion but this chemistry and commitment thing is something one can work on. We all change with age and grow up on so many levels. It is clear if you are mostly running into married women you are dealing with a totally different "animal." Context does matter especially if she has prior commitments (as in kids of a previous relationship).
I am discovering these factors as I move along in the relationship game of which I have little experience, but what little I do know I put to good use. Communication is key. I do not hold the controls, but I do try to keep the car on the road, if you know what I mean.
Time is a great equalizer too, I get older and so does she, so there is no more time to waste if the relationship is to go somewhere. Weeks will seem like months and days like weeks. Everyone is different so I have to take her personality into account, something that works for someone, does not imply that it will work for everyone.
Chiming in with my 2p worth... I tried the online dating scene over 7yrs after many many years of drought. It worked after a few contacts that never went past polite chats/messages. Anyway this girl contacted me, we chatted/emailed for a few weeks. Went well, decided to meet and the rest was history. We were together 6 yrs, lived together for 3 and split up last christmas (yay for the timing!). So didn't really end well.
Since then I've made a concentrated effort to be more out going (was never that interested before, mainly because I didn't drink - not saying one needs to drink to have a good time of course). Its been fun, have had a laugh and let off steam but haven't met any one. There have been a few potentials that ended up going nowhere and were just disappointing really. One looked very promising, as the chemistry seemed to be there. Turns out she was just messing with my head so not bothering now. Incidentally she was a Kiwi so I can blame Biggles for that :D :P
Lately I haven't really been bothered. Have gotten a bit fed up of making all the effort and chasing etc. Bored with it. The cynical side of me sees it all as a game, one I hate playing. And I'm rather reluctant to return to the online scene after how things turned out. Obviously it wasn't all bad but still. A tad cautious.
Where I work the ratio of women to men is about 80/20... so, putting it bluntly, there's a lot of nice girls to look at. But that doesn't make it any easier. Also I've realised that being 34, a lot of people I know in that age category are married, engaged, in relationships. Which makes it more difficult again.
Luck has an awful lot to do with it as well. Sounds cheesy but being in the right place at the right time plays a huge role. A mate of mine met this girl recently through a dating site. They hit it off really well and seemed to be a perfect match. But she's leaving to go work in Australia beginning of next year. With that looming they mutually ended things. But they still have feelings for each other. Sucks really.
I can see how putting so much effort into a relationship and it not paying off in the end to be a huge disappointment. The way I see it there is no single strategy that nets you the best catch. It's VFR all the way to the jet-way. No short-cuts, no receipe, no pressure. I try to read up on the mechanics of partnerships as much as I can to be able to avoid the obvious pitfalls, but I also try to stay true to myself. What you see is what you get. I'm working on myself because the time to do something is now. I set a goal and a reasonable time frame and stick to the plan to loose weight and so far I am doing fine. I exercise and eat right. I stay in touch with her several times a day, every day and we take turns in initiating conversations. I leave her alone if she is busy. Her speed is my speed, even though she had me at "hello" as they say. :D
I know I have to be very patient but I believe it's all worth it so I'm going to do my best to make it work. Relationships are like flying airplanes, every flight is different, every landing is a test, every crash is a lesson. I can see how one can get tired of playing games. But unfortunately I don't see an alternative.
ShadowDancerWhen I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie."London, UK
[QUOTE=Falcon1;193713]Lately I haven't really been bothered. Have gotten a bit fed up of making all the effort and chasing etc. Bored with it. The cynical side of me sees it all as a game, one I hate playing. [/QUOTE]
What really annoys me is that because you're a bloke, you're the one who's expected to put in all the effort, do the chasing etc. Firstly, I can't be bothered with all that. As you say, its all a game to them which I also hate playing (and paying for!!). And secondly, they campaigned all these years for equality between the sexes...so it's about bloody time they got off their arses and made some effort!
Interesting [URL="http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-you-know-its-time-to-get-married/?wa_user1=3&wa_user2=Sex&wa_user3=blog&wa_user4=feature_module"]read[/URL]. I can see how this is what I'm going through right now, at least the friendship part. :)
I actually really enjoyed reading that Stingray. Its of interest to me to see what the mistakes I made were in my marriage. Still not easy. Im not sure it ever will be. Ive tried to figure it out, tried to understand it, I don't think I ever will.
About the only thing I do know is, Im not ready to move on. I want to be, but I got a lot of stuff to sort out.
Comments
At this time I am just checking the waters and not really expecting much. Once I live in my new home I will change strategies and deploy the troops into the minefield of (failed) relationships. :D
[QUOTE=WORF;193284]This seemed relevant :)
[URL="http://gizmodo.com/5809560/how-to-set-up-the-perfect-online-dating-profile?tag=top"]Link[/URL][/QUOTE]
I tried several approaches and humor works well on TV and sitcoms, but in my experience, women have little to no sense of humor when relationships are at stake. There are exceptions, but the odds of meeting someone like that are astronomical as far as I can tell. I am going to stick with the serious approach and see where it takes me. :)
I have everything I could ever want and I'm not rich. I try to live richly, there is a difference. And yet, there is no meaning to life if you do not share your happiness with someone you deeply care for. At least that's how I look at it and that's why I am on this "holy" quest. And no, I'm not looking for a frakking cup. :)
Freedom is a bit like the night sky, it's there, it's awesome to behold and to enjoy, but you can't really hold it in your arms or huddle up against it to keep you warm and it won't be there for you when you are going through a rough spot. As long as things are going well, we think we don't need to drag anybody with us to live. But we don't know ahead of time what is going to happen to us, so it is probably a good strategy in the long run to have a backup plan. I've played the lone wolf or rebel game long enough and now, for me at least, it's time to grow up and move on. It's a personal matter and everyone needs to decide that for himself when that moment comes, if it ever comes.
Maturity is a funny thing, it doesn't occur on oneself everywhere simultaneously. :D
Then perhaps I can interest you in this chest? It has carrying handles!
That depends on the cup sizes. :rolleyes: :D
Or just club them and drag them back to your cave.
But it might be worth a shot. I'll let you know how it turns out.
To be honest, I'm not after anyone at the moment, there's no one who's caught my eye, I'm not looking...and I've never been happier!
No cups, but it does have a pair of shiny, gold angels on top. It's a real killer at parties!
I suppose that's true, on certain aspects you need to keep prejudice out of the equation... well, except when they are from Russia or Africa. :D
[QUOTE=Biggles;193344]No cups, but it does have a pair of shiny, gold angels on top. It's a real killer at parties![/QUOTE]
I think Harrison Ford has that chest sitting somewhere in his home office.
[QUOTE][B]What women look for in a relationship[/B]
We all look for different things, but there are some universal truths in womankind’s grand hunt for the perfect relationship. These are they.
[B]A connection[/B]
A man can tick all the boxes in the world, but in so many cases if the woman feels no chemistry, it’s a no-go. Some might dispute the wisdom of writing a guy off on the basis of no instant connection, but right or wrong, the absence or presence of instant chemistry is a deal breaker for many women. But what exactly is chemistry and why is it so powerful? Anthropologist David Givens says “chemistry is basically when the pleasure centres of the brain are engaged. The pleasure you get from chocolate, a martini or a rollercoaster is basically the same.” He goes on “While chemistry isn’t everything, many of courtship's most powerful signals are unheard, untouched, and unseen. Operating chiefly through unconscious channels, these invisible aromas, tastes, steroids, sterols, and hormones strongly shape our feelings about each other.”
[B]Predictability[/B]
Women are often instantly drawn to impulsiveness and unpredictableness in a man but long-term, a relationship without routine won’t cut the mustard. As dull as it sounds, women need to know where they’re at with a guy if the relationship’s to last – plans and routines contribute to a feeling of security and help judge the longevity of a relationship. Match.com’s relationships expert Kate Taylor says “for all our impulsive mood-swings and frivolity, women are the routine-cravers in a relationship. Continuation, stability and duration are what women long for.”
[B]A man who can provide[/B]
Evolutionarily speaking, women are the child-rearers and men bring home the bacon, so to speak. And while a lot has changed in the last 200,000 years, studies show that many women still look for a man who can provide for the family. In his study at the University of Wales, Dr Michael Dunn found that women will rate a man more highly if pictured sitting at the wheel of a £70,000 silver Bentley Continental compared to the same man pictured in a battered Ford Fiesta. His findings led him to conclude that "females focus on questions of wealth and status because if the male possesses those, that male would be in a better condition to rear healthy offspring."
[B]Experience[/B]
While the cougar phenomenon may be taking women of a certain age by storm, the rest of us want a man who has lived a little, knows his own mind and has a certain commanding air that conveys wisdom and experience. Basically, we want an older man. Why? Because so many of the pettier problems in relationships boil down to immaturity – whether it’s the guy feeling uncomfortable hanging out with your friends or his infuriating ability to make decisions about things or take control of a situation. Women love a guy who’s been there and done that and doesn’t get phased easily by new challenges. Plus, an older man can be downright sexy. Need we mention a certain Mr Clooney.
[B]Commitment[/B]
Yes, it’s the word that terrifies half the population the world over, but there is no getting away from the fact that women seeking a long term relationship will be looking for signs of commitment (or lack of) from day one. How can a woman tell if a man is committed? Unfortunately it’s not as simple as him being decent/nice/reliable. Some of the most seemingly solid relationships ultimately fall apart when the guy simply can’t commit to buying a house together/getting married/talking about kids. The key is looking for early-warning signs – how have his previous relationships panned out? Does he stick to plans? Can he talk about anything more than a couple of days ahead? These are all likely clues to how he is likely to react to longer term plans.
Source: uk.match.yahoo.net/edito/index.php?mtcmk=080405&name=5/119/2388-what-women-look-for-in-a-relationship.html
[/QUOTE]
Anyway, I'm currently dating someone and I'm thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. We met online and several times offline and we communicate every day. I am still uncertain whether this is going somewhere but there is hoping. This is probably this uncertainty and insecurity that I dislike about this dating thing, but I guess it comes with the territory. :)
I hope me letting her steer our relationship is not interpreted as me being without imagination or initiative. Since I don't know what I don't know, I may just have to ask at some point. :D
So how is it going with your relationship (if I may ask)? I suppose you know what I'm talking about when I say I feel uncertain.
I am discovering these factors as I move along in the relationship game of which I have little experience, but what little I do know I put to good use. Communication is key. I do not hold the controls, but I do try to keep the car on the road, if you know what I mean.
Time is a great equalizer too, I get older and so does she, so there is no more time to waste if the relationship is to go somewhere. Weeks will seem like months and days like weeks. Everyone is different so I have to take her personality into account, something that works for someone, does not imply that it will work for everyone.
Since then I've made a concentrated effort to be more out going (was never that interested before, mainly because I didn't drink - not saying one needs to drink to have a good time of course). Its been fun, have had a laugh and let off steam but haven't met any one. There have been a few potentials that ended up going nowhere and were just disappointing really. One looked very promising, as the chemistry seemed to be there. Turns out she was just messing with my head so not bothering now. Incidentally she was a Kiwi so I can blame Biggles for that :D :P
Lately I haven't really been bothered. Have gotten a bit fed up of making all the effort and chasing etc. Bored with it. The cynical side of me sees it all as a game, one I hate playing. And I'm rather reluctant to return to the online scene after how things turned out. Obviously it wasn't all bad but still. A tad cautious.
Where I work the ratio of women to men is about 80/20... so, putting it bluntly, there's a lot of nice girls to look at. But that doesn't make it any easier. Also I've realised that being 34, a lot of people I know in that age category are married, engaged, in relationships. Which makes it more difficult again.
Luck has an awful lot to do with it as well. Sounds cheesy but being in the right place at the right time plays a huge role. A mate of mine met this girl recently through a dating site. They hit it off really well and seemed to be a perfect match. But she's leaving to go work in Australia beginning of next year. With that looming they mutually ended things. But they still have feelings for each other. Sucks really.
I know I have to be very patient but I believe it's all worth it so I'm going to do my best to make it work. Relationships are like flying airplanes, every flight is different, every landing is a test, every crash is a lesson. I can see how one can get tired of playing games. But unfortunately I don't see an alternative.
What really annoys me is that because you're a bloke, you're the one who's expected to put in all the effort, do the chasing etc. Firstly, I can't be bothered with all that. As you say, its all a game to them which I also hate playing (and paying for!!). And secondly, they campaigned all these years for equality between the sexes...so it's about bloody time they got off their arses and made some effort!
:p
People on her website have started asking us if we're together. Apparently we interact like we are.
So, not quite sure what to do about that.
About the only thing I do know is, Im not ready to move on. I want to be, but I got a lot of stuff to sort out.