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Jupiter Ascending (Spoilers)

So I went with some friends to see this, hearing it was bad, and boy was it. The story of the whole thing is pretty much your typical young adult novel trash (not that all young adult books are bad. Hell, I've been obsessed with a Japanese series of light novels for quite a few years now). You got your Mary Sue main character who's OMGWTF a space noble! Wait, not just space noble, but space royalty!!!!! And of course you've got her love interest, dark brooding dude who's even a WOLF-human hybrid somehow. So he's made from aliens, and Earth is just one of the countless planets seeded? Why the hell is he spliced with wolf DNA?!!! Are there space wolves out there? And oh yeah, he only looks different with his Elf or Vulcan ears. Whoa man.... And of course, their whole relationship is like in Matt McIrvin's hilarious Bifftrix parody: "4LS0, I LUV U FQR NQ 4DEQU4TELY XXxX-PLAN3D R34S0N"
So the big huge ship sends out thousands of drones, and none of them have guns? Two ships just destroy all of them? What is this? Some lone fighter game like R-Type or Einhander? No way dude, these ships are super invincible for some reason! Evil space guys have British accents of course, while Wolf Dude has to have a Murrican accent because he's the good guy. Oh yeah, and that reminds me of one of my favorite parts of the movie. For some reason, everyone in space speaks English, and have English written everywhere, along with Arabic numerals for some reason. NO WAY D00D IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE!!!!! It's because they've been screwing with Earth every so often! They just introduced English and Arabic numerals just to simplify things for themselves when they interfere there! Magic answer!!!! It's deep, like the Matrix man! And yeah, I know those AMAZING Wachowskis were the ones who made this. The only movie of theirs I've ever enjoyed at all was Speed Racer, and that's because the ridiculous stuff actually fit I felt.
Oh man, was it worth the budget for those amazing visuals to make Ancient Aliens + YA trash the movie. A true classic of our times. My friend and I turned the thing into MST3K, because it really is the same quality as the garbage they put on that awesome show.


  • There's no reason to get mad if you were not expecting it to be good. Just sit back and laugh your butt off.
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    I've not seen it, but from what people who have seen it tell me, I'm rather glad I didn't waste the money on a cinema ticket!
  • StingrayStingray Elite Ranger
    The trailer didn't really pull me in if you know what I mean. :D There's more interesting stuff on YouTube.
  • Once it comes out on DVD, I'll borrow it from the library, get a few friends together on a couch, and laugh my butt off. But for now, I have better things to do.
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    I wasn't mad, and like I said, my friend and I just turned it into Mystery Science Theater 3000, making fun of everything the whole way though and laughing at our jokes a bunch.
  • WORFWORF The Burninator
    I liked it for the world they created but the story was a let down.
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    I'll wait for it to be on dvd, and on offer
  • edited March 2015
    Was it anything like "Steampunk Romans on Mars" John Carter?
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    John Carter was a well done adaptation of an old book, and a million times better than Jupiter Ascending. John Carter stands as an example of what can happen if you actually give a damn about the source material, unlike those terrible Hobbit movies.
  • I should read the John Carter books now. Having seen the movie first (yes, I know, cardinal sin), it came off as not very well-developed plot-wise. Maybe not that; but it seemed a bit "big for its britches."
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    I've read most of the Barsoom books. Whilst dated in their writing by modern standards, they are still an excellent read!
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    I can understand if you didn't care for the story, and I'm not claiming it's the most amazing thing ever, but I thought the story was fun, and like I said, it was a good adaptation that actually respected the source material.
  • Random ChaosRandom Chaos Actually Carefully-selected Order in disguise
    While the story wasn't so great, I thought the CGI on Jupiter Ascending was worth the cost to see it. Very spectacular CGI at times!
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    Well to me, it doesn't matter how good your visuals are if your story doesn't have any substance.
  • ShadowDancerShadowDancer When I say, "Why aye, gadgie," in my heart I say, "Och aye, laddie." London, UK
    Seems to be the running theme with movies these days. They prioritise the CGI and visuals at the expense of the actual story
  • SpiritOneSpiritOne Magneto ABQ NM
    The Wachowskis lost whatever mojo they had the moment they made Neo Jesus.
  • PJHPJH The Lovely Thing
    edited March 2015
    We were supposed to go see it, but we didn't and now the theaters stopped showing it already here unfortunately. But I guess it was good we saved our money judging by your comments. I'll have to watch it later when it comes to DVD.

    But we went to see Chappie last week and it was quite good! Not the typical Hollywood style scifi though. It's from Neill Blomkamp who also directed District 9 and Elysium. Sharlto Copley is one of the main characters who also was in District 9 and Elysium as well. It's nice to see that in this day and age someone is still capable of finding his own unique style of making movies. Quite refreshing. :)
  • WORFWORF The Burninator
    There's now a particularly brutal Honest Trailer :D
  • StingrayStingray Elite Ranger
    I suspect those who trash Battlefield Earth haven't actually seen the movie. It's not that bad at all.
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    Worf, I finally got around to watching that video. Pretty much right on. In all truth, the only movie these Wachowskis have ever made that I've liked at all was Speed Racer, and I think that one worked just because it was so over the top and crazy. It actually worked. I was amazed that I actually enjoyed one of their movies.
  • WORFWORF The Burninator
    Fair enough. I haven't seen Speed Racer, the trailer was pretty nauseating and didn't think I could sit through two hours of that. Besides the Matrix, which I enjoyed a lot, their only other movie I really enjoyed was Cloud Atlas.
  • croxiscroxis I am the walrus
    I'm looking forward to what they are doing with jms on netflix. I feel like the Wachowskis are similar to Lucas int hat they are awesome at world buildings and probably do well in a mini-series or short season format, but struggle in movie time constraints
  • DarthCaligulaDarthCaligula Elite Ranger
    I think that they just suck in general.
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